Grammy's Coming to Town!

Since my husband's parents are on their way to visit us this weekend, I thought it appropriate to study etiquette with in-laws. I have heard countless horror stories from my married friends about meddling mother-in-laws and worse...just plain mean ones. Part of me can't imagine that otherwise normal women become heinous witches once the bride and groom say "I do," so maybe it's also that the wives become a bit more sensitive. I get the whole dynamic of a son leaving his mom's home and starting a new one with his wife (who, in my husband's case is less of a cook and housekeeper than his mother) - and I guess it is difficult for some women to be ok with that.

I, however, have been fortunate to marry into a family that is loving, kind, and even reads my blog! They have accepted me with open arms, faults and all, and I can honestly say I feel like one of the family. Having been so lucky, I find it interesting that sometimes when I start a story with, "My husband's parents are coming to visit," friends will smile sympathetically, as if to say "you'll get through it." Then I rush to say "No, no, I'm very close with my in-laws actually." It's almost as if it's ingrained in our culture to be dramatic about this relationship, particularly with reference to mother-in-laws. I guess father-in-laws are just dudes who don't make much of a fuss about such things.

Amy Vanderbilt has this to say on growing up, moving out, and the formation of a new family:

When we marry, we literally must "forsake all others" and consider the marriage bond the paramount one. The whole process of growing up is that of growing away from one's parents in the physical sense, and to a great degree in the emotional one, too (p. 497).

I guess this makes sense. I remember how exciting it was to think about living with my husband and having a place of our own. For me, it couldn't happen soon enough. We dated for 5 years and had an 8 month engagement - and at the end I just couldn't wait to wake up every morning next to the man I love and my best friend in the world. I never stopped to think about what anyone else might be thinking or feeling about it. Least of all, our mothers.

I remember coming back from our honeymoon, expecting everything to be roses, and my mom told me my sister cried her eyes out the day after I got married. Not because she wasn't happy for me, but because she had a great sense of loss, that things would be different now - and certain things would never be the same. Never again would we live in the same house together. Looking back, I realize that's kind of a big deal. And I imagine if that's the way my sister felt, perhaps my mom and mother-in-law had a bit of that sentiment, too.

Where in-laws are to be considered, especially a mother-in-law who finds it difficult to relinquish hold on her child, the very first steps in the relationship are most important. A young son-in-law, for example, should not be made to feel like a culprit because he can't call this relatively strange and sometimes seemingly hostile older woman "mother."

I'm trying not to read too much into this, but perhaps Amy's husband had issue with the elder Mrs. Vanderbilt? I can honestly say my husband has a great relationship with my family. Also, there was never any question of what we would call each other's parents. When we were teenagers dating, it was "Mr. and Mrs." I think shortly before we were engaged it switched to calling them by their first names. And I love what Amy has to say about that:

Both she and her son-in-law might be more comfortable with the modern "Mrs. Brown" or just "Jane" as if she were a contemporary. Then when the children begin to arrive, a pet name usually solves everything, and "Mrs. Brown" or "Jane" becomes comfortable old "Nanny" or "Granny" or any other variation of a child's loving title for his grandmother to everyone in the household. And somehow with little hands in hers she feels less shut out, more needed in the new living arrangement, and she usually is" (p. 497).

I won't have the chance to ask our "Grammy" whether or not this is true until she arrives tomorrow, but I have a hunch Amy is once again correct. Grammy becomes almost giddy upon seeing her baby grandson, and when she holds him, it appears as though they're in their own little world, happy as clams. And for that matter, I'm fairly certain tension or drama simply cannot exist in a room where that baby boy is smiling.

See you tomorrow, Sherry! Safe travels!